I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
