Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
