hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
