My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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