Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
