I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The beer is more important than you right now.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
