I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
