She's JV to your varsity
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
