I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
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Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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