So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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