So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
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i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
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Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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