Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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