Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
