whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
