The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
i've created a new STD.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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