Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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