Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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