Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
