your parents love me but you hate me
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize
