did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
