I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
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