best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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