I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
