that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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