Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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