just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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