hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
