I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
