I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
