you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
