What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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