i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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