Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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