I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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