a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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