I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
