you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
