my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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