Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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