I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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