I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
