my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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