The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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