Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
