I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
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