We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
