Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
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Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
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Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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