I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
