Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
