You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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