Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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