i'm signing you up for texting rehab
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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