why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
