Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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