If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
