my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
