Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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