Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
