Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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