The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
