i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
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at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
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If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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