90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
