i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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